how not to lose weight

What are you getting at, Smart Ones? That I’d eat BOTH quesadillas if you didn’t explicitly tell me not to?

Yeah, you’re right.

. . . . . . . . . .

So, everyone keeps commenting on how I don’t look like I just had a baby three weeks ago. That’s probably because a week after I delivered, I was down twenty pounds FROM MY PRE-PREGNANCY WEIGHT. Crazy, right? That’s actually what happened with my last pregnancy too. So whenever I want to lose weight, I just get knocked up! Unfortunately, after delivering my last baby, I gained a lot of the weight back. But I’m hoping this time around I can keep the weight off for good. Though my track record in this area isn’t great.

I’ve read countless books and magazines about how to lose weight. I’ve done low-carb, high-protein, low-sugar, high-fiber. I’ve counted calories and calculated points like a mo fo. Nothing’s quite worked. However, over the years I’ve become kind of an expert on how NOT to lose weight. So, at least there’s that.

1) I allow myself the occasional cheat. Like at parties, or when celebrating, or if I’m on vacation, or if I’m having a bad day or on the weekends during family outings. For some reason it has never dawned on me that if you put all these things together, they equal EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

2) I try to make healthy choices. Instead of eating a stack of Oreo’s, I buy those 100 calorie packs of cookie crisps. Though, I’m thinking these 100 calorie packs aren’t as effective when you eat three of them. Or, you know, four of them.

3) I resist temptation. Office break rooms are notorious for being set up with donuts and cookies and the like. Knowing this, I keep as far away from the break room as possible. But if I need to go in there for some reason, I make sure to stay away from the snack table and keep focused on the task at hand. But if I do get near the table, I only allow myself to look at what’s there. Maybe take a whiff or two of the sweet chocolaty smell. I don’t touch anything though. But if I have to touch something, I make sure to take only one small cookie. And then I leave right away! And I only go back if absolutely necessary…

4) I don’t give up. I know that if I get weak and give in one day, I always have a fresh start the next day. Life is full of second chances. Each day is a new beginning. I really believe this. All I have to do is dust myself off and start again tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I already messed up today so might as well eat another cupcake or three.

5) I keep track of my weight. I weigh myself every morning wearing as little as possible, before I eat or drink anything. If I like what I see, I only weigh myself once because I don’t want to risk seeing that number going up even a fraction of a pound. However, if I don’t like what I see, I sigh, step off the scale, then weigh myself again. Sometimes I’ll do this three or four times. Sometimes I’ll find that I gained a pound even though I was super good the day before. Sometimes I’ll yell to the heavens, “What’s the use?!” Then promptly raid the kitchen for comfort food.

So, I figure if I just do the exact opposite of what I usually do, I’m guaranteed to lose weight.

Or, if all else fails, I can just go for Baby #4.