So…I started Weight Watchers. I had to. I had to do something–anything. I started trying to lose weight, oh, about 15 years ago, and have gained approximately 25 lbs.  Yes, gained.  I actually gained 35 lbs., then got pregnant and lost 27, then gave birth and gained back 17.  Forget Atkins and Weight Watchers!  All I need to do to lose weight is get knocked up again!

But seeing as I’m still reeling from the last tyrant I birthed, I sought other options. I read countless books and magazines about how to lose weight. I did low-carb, high-protein, low-sugar, high-fiber. I counted calories and calculated points like a mo fo. Nothing quite worked. However, over the years I’ve become kind of an expert on how NOT to lose weight. So, at least there’s that.

1)  I allow myself the occassional cheat. Like at parties, or when celebrating, or if I’m on vacation, or if I’m having a bad day or on the weekends during family outings. For some reason it has never dawned on me that if you put all these things together, they equal EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

2)  I try to make healthy choices. For instance, I eat Special K instead of Fruity Pebbles. I know that eating one cup of Special K with bananas is the better choice. But one cup is like three bites! One cup is nothing! And my brain knows that eating two bowls filled to the brim is bad, but my stomach says, “You’re eating Special K! You’re being good!” And I’m all, “Yay, Special K!” And then a week later I wonder why I haven’t lost any weight when all I’ve been eating is Special K.

3) I resist temptation. Office break rooms are notorious for being set up with donuts and cookies and the like. Knowing this, I keep as far away from the break room as possible. But if I need to go in there for some reason, I make sure to stay away from the snack table and keep focused on the task at hand. But if I do get near the table, I only allow myself to look at what’s there. Maybe take a whiff or two of the sweet chocolaty smell. I don’t touch anything though. But if I have to touch something, I make sure to take only one small cookie. And then I leave right away! And I only go back if absolutely necessary…

4) I don’t give up. I know that if I get weak and give in one day, I always have a fresh start the next day. Life is full of second chances. Each day is a new beginning. I really believe this. All I have to do is dust myself off and start again tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I already messed up today so might as well eat another cupcake or three.

5) I keep track of my weight. I weigh myself every morning wearing as little as possible, before I eat or drink anything. If I like what I see, I only weigh myself once because I don’t want to risk seeing that number going up even a fraction of a lb. However, if I don’t like what I see, I sigh, step off the scale, then weigh myself again. Sometimes I’ll do this three or four times. Sometimes I’ll find that I gained a lb. even though I was super good the day before. Sometimes I’ll yell to the heavens, “What’s the use?!”  Then promptly raid the kitchen for comfort food.

So, I figure if you just do the exact opposite of what I do, you’re guaranteed to lose weight.  Probably.

You’re welcome.