Life and Death
June 1, 2009
A couple of months ago when I first found out that Maddie passed, I was at work heading into a big meeting. I was completely shocked and heartbroken, but I tucked my grief away until later. I went through the day, went through the motions, sat through the meetings, and the whole time I felt the grief inflating in my chest and balling up in my throat. Once in my car on the way home from work, I finally let it out. And I was caught off guard by how hard and fast the tears flowed. I didn't know Maddie personally. Never met her or her parents. I only knew her through her mom's and dad's blogs. But I grieved for life taken too soon and my heart literally ached and ached for her parents. Maddie was only eight months older than Lily. When I got home, I held Lily close and covered her face with kisses and breathed her in her scent and gazed at her face. Since Maddie's passing I've told myself over and over again to cherish my loved ones every single day.
Today when I found out a colleague of mine passed, my body exploded with goosebumps, every hair standing on end. And with every call and email and text I received, the shock was renewed. How could it be? I had just seen him a few weeks ago at a dinner party. He was young and healthy. He was full of life and about to embark on an exciting new journey in his career. He was only a year older than me. While Maddie's passing made me realize how precious my loved ones are, my colleague's passing made me look within. It could've been me. And now I can't stop thinking that I need to take better care of myself, get healthy, stack the odds in my favor that it won't be me for a very long time.
My head has been reeling and all I can think of is how life is so damn precious. Every day. Every moment. You just never know what will happen. It's scary as hell, and my knee-jerk reaction is to give into the fear and live in constant terror of losing my family...or leaving them behind. I have to literally force myself not to succumb to that self-destructive mentality because I know myself and I know how easily I can fall into that trap. I have to tell myself to not be consumed with fear of death, but instead to cherish every single moment of life. And be thankful.
Rest in peace Maddie and Brian.
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5 Comments:
When I was 4 I lost my older sister to suicide... Since her death I always felt like death wasn't that big of a deal... I became really cold towards the thought of it and indifferent... I still went through other family member's deaths but the grieving I went through was very brief... Now that I'm 23 and feel differently about my Parents (no longer my enemies but my best friends) it scares me to think that something could happen to me or them... I can't even begin to imagine losing one of them and having to stay strong for everyone else. Can't imagine. Death means something totally different for me now. I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like as a parent losing my child or a wife losing a husband... Scary stuff. =(
Totally. Steve and I had an emotional talk tonight about even the thought of something happening to one of us. The blessing to be found is that times like this makes us remember to appreciate life and loved ones more. The challenge is to try and remember this lesson even after the pain of loss subsides.
Yes, life is precious, and we realize that more when we lose someone. It's always sad to hear about people passing away. I can totally see how you'd be most worried about anything happening to those closest you. At the same time, I hope those fears don't interfere with your enjoyment of the wonders of life.
I just read the blogs of Maddie's parents.. I had to hold back the tears when I read the letter her mom wrote to her.... So sad...
Cynthia - yeah, I think once the initial shock and grief pass, a death can be an opportunity to cherish and celebrate life.
Janet - I know what you mean. Everytime I read their blogs I'm fighting tears. :(
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