So, I write a lot of posts poking fun about how Bugaboo is...well, a bugaboo. And in retrospect of these incidents I write about, yeah, I am usually the first one to laugh at it all. But in all seriousness, it's been hard. Very, very hard.

While in my son's eyes I'm usually Public Enemy #1, my daughter is in love with me. Like fatal attraction in love. At first it was cute and I was dancing around bragging to anyone who would listen, "Oh yeah, I'm her favorite! Woot woot!" But it got tired real quick once I realized that being her favorite meant that I was on lockdown. For real. No joke, I cannot even make the slightest movement toward leaving the room without her busting out in tears. And I can't even sit on the couch! I have to sit on the floor where she can crawl onto me at her whim. If she crawls across the room to play for a bit on her own, she always looks back every few minutes to make sure I haven't tried to make a break for it. Sometimes it seems like she's never NOT crying, unless we are literally entertaining her every second. It's frustrating and draining as hell.

Today, after a particularly ear-piercing screaming fit, I broke. Months of feeling like my son can't stand me and weeks dealing with my daughter's extreme separation anxiety finally took it's toll. I left Lily in my son's care, walked out to the garage, sat in my car and cried my eyes out. It was just too much.

After I had my little release, I composed myself and went back into the house. I sat down and had a talk with my son. And started crying again. I couldn't help it. I shared my struggles with him, how it's been tough with Lily, how it's been hard feeling like he's so irritated with me all the time. Told him it would be nice if he supported me a little while I deal with whatever his little sister is going through. And that while I understand a teenager's need for independence and privacy, I don't want to be shut out, that I still want to be part of his life.

He was quiet as usual. I figured he probably felt lectured and annoyed as usual. He got up without saying a word, walked out of my eyesight, and then I suddenly felt his arms slide around my neck from behind. And the waterworks started up again.

After the tears subsided, I thanked him. Told him that I really, really needed that. And then he finally spoke up.

"So, was that our little TV moment?"

I love my little smart ass.

A breakdown and a break through. What a day.

Labels: parent 'hood